


The Trick is to Keep Breathing

by ragingrainbow



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: Angst, Developing Relationship, First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-25
Updated: 2010-12-05
Packaged: 2017-10-12 21:18:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/129184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ragingrainbow/pseuds/ragingrainbow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Tommy couldn't take it anymore. Couldn't take another sleepless, lonely nights. Couldn't take waking up another morning to this same sense of dread, forcing himself to swallow everything he felt and go through the daily motions hidden behind his best mask. Couldn't take another faked kiss when he craved so much for them to be real. He was scared, he was confused, and he was all alone because he couldn't find it in himself to trust anyone with this secret.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Faking Fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy just doesn't have the strength to keep faking fine anymore.

"Breathe. Breathe. _Breathe._ " Tommy repeated the word over and over in his head like a mantra, his eyes fixed on his hands, knuckles going white because he was clutching the railing so hard. His head was spinning, and he hadn't even had that much to drink, nor had he touched anything else he had been offered.

No, his gut wasn't churning because he had poisoned it with un-agreeable substances, but because of the dread that had been closing in on him for weeks now. And finally he felt like he couldn't take it anymore. He felt as if he was actually going to go insane, literally fucking batshit crazy, if he had to go through another day of pretending that everything was _fine_. He wasn't fine. He hadn't been fine for quite some time, and no one seemed to notice.

He managed to bring his breathing under control, his head clearing as his lungs filled with cool night air. He turned around, eyes briefly glancing at the people on the other side of the glass doors, none of whom seemed to notice him as he sank down to the ground. Why would they? They were there to have a good time and acknowledging someone as miserable as him would put a serious dampener on their night.

He rubbed his face with his hands, before pulling his knees up to his chest and resting his cheek on them, head turned to side so he could avoid the depressing images of people having fun that were offered up in front of him. He briefly flirted with the idea of slipping back inside, of making a fast escape, just packing up his bags and _leaving_. Just disappearing.

But he stayed where he was, because he knew it was nothing but a fantasy that he would never carry through. He had tried, oh God he had tried, but only one time had he even managed to get everything packed, and then he had just sat on the hotel bed staring at them for one and a half hours before admitting defeat yet again. It was as if he was being kept there by some sort of invisible chains.

And then there was the other option. The one where he went inside to find Adam and told him everything, assuming Adam wasn't completely shitfaced already. Which he probably was. And even if he wasn't, Tommy knew that he wouldn't be able to tell him. He had tried that too, but the confessions always got lodged in his throat. He had no fucking idea how to explain it, how to be truthful and make Adam believe that he had not in fact been lying to him all this time. That that first time when his sexuality came up and he met Adam's eyes, detecting, he fancied, slight disappointment as he told him he was straight it had been the honest truth as far as he was aware at the time.

Because it had been the truth. He _was_ straight, and comfortable enough with his sexuality that he had no problem with bending a little just for show, and that's why he had just laughed off that first kiss. And why he hadn't thought twice before agreeing when Adam suggested they kept up the act onstage for the tour. What was the harm? If Adam was fine with it there really was no reason why they shouldn't do it. Tommy loved to flirt, even when it was meaningless, and the kick he got out of the audience's reactions was like nothing else.

At first, his prediction had been right. A few months went by where everything was just as easy as he thought it would be, where even though he was touchier with Adam than he usually was with male friends there was nothing weird or awkward about it. And Tommy had enjoyed both the concert buzz and the closeness they had when there were no crowds or cameras around. It was nice, it was easy, and it was the happiest Tommy ever remembered being.

And then everything changed. He wasn't quite sure _when_ it had changed, because it seemed like it had crept up on him so slowly that he had barely noticed it at first. In fact, he hadn't really realized that anything changed until the one night when Adam grinded against him and he had with slight shock realized that not only was Adam hard, but his own body had responded to it. At first he had shrugged it off, they were both sexual people and it was hardly news that dicks could have a mind of their own, but that night as he lay in his bunk it had hit him. The way Adam made him feel, the way their onstage kisses were suddenly the highlights of his days, how he had gradually started to gravitate towards Adam more on more on stage, just wanting to be close to him, drinking in his warmth. And as he had lain there thinking about it his heart had ached dully, which was all the confirmation he had needed to know that he had good reason to be worried.

It had only got worse from there, to the point where recently he had been pathetically trying to give Adam hints about his feeling, desperately hoping that Adam would take the bait and bring the subject up when they were alone so he wouldn’t be able to chicken out of it. He had tried being more flirtatious. He had tried kissing Adam's shoulder, his neck, hell he had even tried a few kisses to his cheeks. He had tried holding hands. He had tried tugging Adam closer as they kissed, not letting the kiss end as soon as it normally would. He had _humped_ Adam's leg. He had even one night been as obvious as nodding when Adam sang his "would you be mine" and _nothing_ seemed to have worked in the least. Adam would at best smile widely or chuckle at his antics, obviously just assuming that Tommy had gotten bolder but it was all still just for show. And why wouldn't he assume that? It wasn't like he had any reason to believe that Tommy's actions had any intent beyond driving the crowd wild.

And now Tommy just couldn't take it anymore. Couldn't take another sleepless, lonely night, beating off to the memories of how Adam's body and Adam's lips felt against his own up on that stage. Couldn't take waking up another morning to this same sense of dread, forcing himself to swallow everything he felt and go through the daily motions hidden behind his best mask. Couldn't take another faked kiss when he craved so much for them to be _real_. He was scared, he was confused, and he was all alone because he couldn't find it in himself to trust anyone with this secret.

He shivered as his body managed to get his attention through his flurry of thoughts, reminding him that he was sat outside in nothing but a t-shirt and the night was rather chilly. He stood up, deciding that people were drunk enough by now that he would probably be able to slip through unseen, and then he could catch a cab back to the hotel, or even walk because it wasn't far. But the cab sounded more inviting, because he suddenly felt completely drained.

He had settled on this idea and stood up to make his escape, but stopped as he spotted Adam on the other side of the glass. It didn't seem like Adam had seen him, but if Tommy tried to go inside he _would_ , and Tommy was just not in any mood to make up an excuse for taking off. That was something he would rather leave until the morning when he had had enough time to come up with a convincing lie to account for his lack of enthusiasm for drinking tonight. So he slipped further into the shadows, making sure to stay outside the circle of light formed through the window, and turned back around to look at the view.

He was a few stories up, the glare of streetlights and cars distant, unable to penetrate the darkness he was hiding in. He watched them, rubbing at his cold arms, his eyes starting to pick up shadows of people scurrying around below him. For a brief moment that world of lights and shadows seemed like one he was totally removed from, one that promised an escape from the world he lived in. It would be such an easy escape. All he had to do was tip himself forward, just let go and let himself fall, and fall, and fall into total blissful oblivion.

"There you are!"

He jumped as the voice penetrated his consciousness, guiltily stepping back from the railing but not turning around because he felt way too fucking vulnerable and he needed a few moments to compose himself or he was sure that Adam might actually be able to tell exactly what he had been thinking. And that was something he definitely did not want to happen.

"Hey, you alright?"

He nodded, slowly, but he knew it was unconvincing because his body had gone rigid and he was still stubbornly refusing to turn around and face Adam. Plus, he couldn't find his voice to make a verbal affirmation of his response because he was suddenly hit with the reality of what had flashed through his mind only moments before and the fact that he had even considered it scared him shitless.

"Tommy?"

He tensed further as he felt a hand on his shoulder, guilt coursing through him again at the concern in Adam's voice. He wished there was something he could do, something he could say, to easily dissipate that worry. But he just didn't have the strength to fake being fine any longer.

"Lord you're cold, come here." Adam's arms snaked around him, pulling him back against his own hard, warm, _safe_ body.

They just stood there for some time, with Tommy trying to figure out what the fuck to say and Adam apparently having realized pretty quickly that there was no use probing, that he needed to patiently wait for Tommy to talk to him.

Eventually, Tommy leaned back so he could look up at Adam through scattered strands of his blonde bangs. He found Adam looking back at him, eyes full of concern and revealing that he was actually still sober, much to Tommy's surprise. He awkwardly turned half around in Adam's embrace, which only loosened slightly to allow him just enough room to move.

"Adam. I-" he started, but stopped again, his eyes hopelessly locked on Adam's, willing him to understand because Tommy still couldn't find the words to explain what was going on.

Adam's right hand moved to Tommy's cheek, his thumb gently caressing, trying to ease his obvious turmoil. He waited a bit more, hoping for an explanation from Tommy, but he soon couldn't take that pleading gaze anymore and decided to make things easier.

"I know honey," he said softly, tugging Tommy a little closer, his left hand rubbing up and down Tommy's back as his right hand dropped to rest against Tommy's neck. "I know."

"You do?" Tommy asked, his voice barely audible, eyes wide, not quite allowing himself to believe that Adam actually _knew_.

Adam smiled slightly, nodding and opening his mouth to answer, but before Tommy let himself think too much he leaned forward, allowing nothing but a surprised gasp to escape Adam as their lips met.


	2. Not an Experiment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Adam I. I'm. _Fuck._ " He turned to lean against the railing again, briefly thinking that now would be a damn good time to take the plunge and actually jump. It seemed like an attractive alternative to having to turn back around to Adam's questioning stare that he could feel burning into his back.

_"Breathe..."_ Tommy had to remind himself to do even such a simple thing as Adam kissed him back. It was different from the stage kisses, was the first thing Tommy noticed. Onstage, even when their kisses were mere pecks, Adam administered them with a sort of fierce possessiveness - that sometimes actually made Tommy weak in the knees - but now his lips were hesitant in their response to Tommy's. But it was still damn good and as Adam tugged him closer - Tommy's hardening cock brushing into Adam's thigh - he moaned softly, his fingers curling around a fistful of Adam's shirt.

Tommy was rudely awakened from the trance he had started to float into as Adam quite literally jumped away from him. Confused, he looked at Adam, who's eyes were wide in shock, fingers brushing his lips. Tommy wasn't sure what the fuck had just happened, and he turned to look towards the party goers, thinking maybe someone had seen them and that's why Adam was freaking out. But no one was paying them any attention. Panic and rejection surged through him simultanously.

"Adam I. I'm. _Fuck._ " He turned to lean against the railing again, briefly thinking that now would be a damn good time to take the plunge and actually jump. It seemed like an attractive alternative to having to turn back around to Adam's questioning stare that he could feel burning into his back.

It was the most tense silence there had ever been between them. Tommy probably should have reminded himself to breathe, had his brain been good for anything but a panicked jumble of thoughts about how he had fucked everything up between himself and Adam and how he was such a damn idiot and failure. And then Adam's hand was on his shoulder, squeezing, and somehow just that simple touch stopped his thoughts in their tracks, and he realized he was shaking and took a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm himself down.

"Tommy." He pulled at Tommy's shoulder to make him turn back around, and Tommy reluctantly faced him, slowly raising his head so he could look up at Adam.

He was relieved to find that Adam looked quite calm now, and it helped ease his own panic further. He was still confused, because he really _had_ thought Adam wanted him, and the rejection still hurt, but as long as he didn't mess everything up it would be alright. At least he hoped it would.

"Let's go back to the hotel, alright? Come on."

Tommy followed him, sort of dazed now, the reality of everything hitting him. Adam _knew_ now. The big thing wasn't even if Adam liked him back or not, it was just that fact that someone else knew, that he would never again be the straight guy to Adam. And then the fact that he had almost fucking jumped off that balcony, _twice_ , when the height and the image of himself falling that distance would most likely have made him hurl when he was in an ordinary state of mind.

They ran into Monte, and Tommy distantly listened to Adam telling Monte that Tommy wasn't feeling well and they were going to go back to the hotel. He received a sympathetic look and a 'sucks man' from Monte as he peered at him from beneath his fringe, and he halfheartedly nodded his head in response. He let Adam find his jacket and put it on him, and by the time they finally made it outside and into a taxi he just wasn't in a state of mind to do anything but snuggle close to Adam.

The ride was silent. Tommy glanced up at Adam a few times, but Adam kept his eyes trained on the window, obviously intent on avoiding conversation for the moment. But it was alright, because Tommy wasn't sure he wanted to talk about all this anyway. And Adam's hand was rubbing up and down his back, which was enough to reassure him for the moment.

It all felt surreal as he followed Adam through the brightly lit lobby, blinking lazily to adjust his eyes from the darkness outside. There was an elderly couple with them in the elevator, and still Adam kept his arm securely around Tommy's waist, earning them disapproving glances that neither of them cared about in the slightest right then.

And then they were in Adam's room, just the two of them, and suddenly the despair hit Tommy all over again, like a circuit of liquid ice running through his body. It felt exactly like he had standing alone on that balcony, except it hurt in a different way, worse, but also better because instead of imagining the relief of falling to his death he was pulled against a warm, strong body as he trembled.

"It's alright baby, just let it out..." Adam soothed, pulling Tommy onto the bed, cradling him as the first sobs wracked his body.

Tommy was _not_ a crybaby. He had cried alone at times (who didn't?), but he didn't make a habit of crying around other people. In fact, it normally made him feel rather uncomfortable. And when his tears first started coming he did feel embarrassed for a few moments, but then he realized that it was mostly out of habit. Adam was making this comfortable, just by being there and being _Adam_. So he let himself cry, only distantly aware of Adam's soft words of reassurance and Adam's gentle touches.

And damn it felt good to cry, Tommy realized as his sobs started to calm enough that he could actually breathe and think properly again. It was as if all the worry and pain and stress of the past few months escaped him in the tears that soaked into a dark patch of despair on Adam's shirt.

"I almost jumped." Tommy confessed quietly through his sniffles as his sobs died down completely. He wasn't even sure why he was admitting it, but somehow he wanted to share it, wanted Adam to _know_ just how fucked up everything had been.

"What?" Adam pulled away a little, looking at Tommy's face, all blotchy and full of smeared eyeliner. He reached out to brush away a stray bit of hair that was clinging to Tommy's wet cheek.

"On the balcony. Fuck I could _see_ it Adam, I could picture myself falling and I wasn't even scared. And you know how fucking petrified I am of heights!" There was a hint of desperation in his voice, as if he somehow expected Adam to have the answers to questions he wasn't even asking.

"Shit Tommy. Why would you even?" His eyes danced over Tommy's face, searching his eyes, his left hand settling on Tommy's shoulder, squeezing more to reassure himself than Tommy.

"I don't know." Tommy shrugged. "I just... I didn't have a fucking clue what to do Adam. Everything was just so... _messed up_."

Adam nodded, pulling Tommy closer again.

"You can always come to me. I thought you knew that."

"I did. I just... how could I tell you _that_ Adam? It would be like I have been lying all this time."

Adam pulled back again, his right hand finding Tommy's chin, making him look up.

"I don't care. And I wouldn't have cared. I care about you being happy."

Tommy looked at him, biting his lip. He had a feeling there was more coming, and he was right.

"And let me be honest Tommy. I want you, I really fucking do. Like you don't even know how badly. But I _can't_ be some experiment for you, alright? I really couldn't face losing you."

"It's _not_ an experiment Adam. It would fucking kill me to lose you. Shit man, just the thought of me maybe having lost you almost did."

Silence. Eyes locked, trying to read each other, searching for any traces on insincerity. Again, it was Tommy who closed the distance, lips barely touching before Adam once again pulled away, though much less dramatically than he had earlier.

"No. Then let's do this properly."

"How?" Tommy raised an eyebrow, looking suspicious of Adam's plans.

"We're off tomorrow night. Let me take you to dinner?"

Tommy snorted. "I'm not a fucking girl Adam, you don't need to wine and dine me."

Adam winked at him in response. "Honey, if you want to do this, you better get used to being the girl."

"Oh fuck you man!"

"With pleasure. Just let me buy you dinner and I will do whatever you want."

Tommy sighed. It seemed like a decent deal. And besides, how the fuck was he meant to say now when Adam was looking at him like _that_ , managing to look adorable and sexy all at once?

"Alright, alright. You can buy me dinner. But you better fucking suck my cock afterwards or something."

Adam laughed, that hearty laugh that made Tommy smile right along with him.

"Deal," he said with another little wink, standing up from the bed. "And if you're alright now, I really need my beauty sleep."

Tommy accepted his hand, smiling to confirm that he was indeed fine now, kissing Adam on the cheek as Adam opened the door for him. Adam promptly swatted his ass.

"Don't push your luck, Glitterbaby."

Tommy just laughed in response before they said their goodnights and he went down the hallway to his own room.

Tommy had trouble falling asleep that night, like he had most nights the past few weeks. But this time it was because his stomach filled with butterflies rather than dread when he thought about the following day. And once he _did_ fall asleep, he slept better than he had in a long time.


	3. A Rare Treat of Privacy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wasn't even sure why he was so nervous. It was just _Adam_ for God's sake. Adam, who he had kissed more times than he could count, who he had cuddled up to on several occasions, who now knew more about him than anyone else. Adam, who had even seen him naked, completely by accident, of course.

_Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in..._

And then Tommy couldn't sit still any longer, and exhaled in a pronounced huff as he jumped off the bed, pacing back and forward a few times before checking his reflection in the full length mirror yet another time. He ran his fingers through his bangs. He found his gloss and reapplied it, even though it already looked perfect. He turned around a few times to check out his reflection at all possible angles. Eventually he resigned himself to the fact that there was nothing else he could do to improve his outfit or his makeup (which he had kept minimal for the occasion).

He wasn't even sure why he was so nervous. It was just _Adam_ for God's sake. Adam, who he had kissed more times than he could count, who he had cuddled up to on several occasions, who now knew more about him than anyone else. Adam, who had even seen him naked, completely by accident, of course.

But he _was_ nervous, damn, he felt as though there were literally butterflies fluttering in his stomach. Or maybe more like an angry swarm of bees, making it twist and turn and _hurt_. He had felt like this since the morning, when he had woken up to Adam checking in to make sure he was alright before Adam was ushered off to a day of interviews. None of which involved him actually singing, so the band had the day off, leaving Tommy with nothing to do all day but think about the approaching date and change outfit a few hundred times before he finally settled on his nicest pair of black denims paired with a shirt which Adam had actually bought for him a while ago.

And now he was dressed, and his makeup would start looking tarty if he fiddled with it anymore, and he had even put away all the clothes neatly for once, so there was nothing left to do but sit around aimlessly and wait for Adam to come knocking. Which he luckily did about 10 minutes later, just as Tommy was thinking that this wait might actually drive him insane.

Adam grinned at him as he opened the door. "Hello. You look gorgeous."

Tommy blushed, swatting at Adam's arm in an attempt to hide his embarrassment and nerves. "I _told_ you I'm _not_ a fucking woman!"

"Alright, alright, I take it back!" Adam chuckled, holding has hands up in mock defeat as Tommy glared at him.

"You don't look bad yourself," Tommy mumbled, wondering why he was suddenly feeling like a damn shy schoolgirl with a silly crush around Adam.

Adam smiled, and Tommy was grateful when he changed the subject. "Ready to go then? I arranged for the car to get us at a back entrance, so hopefully we can avoid the paps."

Tommy realized that he hadn't even thought of the possibility of paparazzi spotting them or possible consequences of that, but he was glad Adam had. He sure didn't need the whole world to know about it before anyone close to him did.

"Great, yeah, hang on let me get my phone."

He noticed his hand shaking as he picked his phone and keycard off the nightstand. He had hoped that Adam's arrival would calm his nerves, but it almost seemed to have had the opposite effect, he just felt like he couldn't stop blushing and his stomach still had that swarm of bees in there. He forced a deep breath to calm down at least a fraction before he returned to Adam's side and followed him to the waiting car.

It didn't even take 10 minutes to get to the restaurant, but it felt like hours to Tommy. Nerves were seriously preventing him from focusing on any of the small talk Adam was trying to make, and he felt stupid but he couldn't seem to calm down.

They did manage to make it into the restaurant with no paparazzi or fans following them, and for that they were both grateful. It seemed like a rare luxury these days, to manage to escape away privately, one that they really needed that evening. The restaurant Adam had booked them into had private boots, and they were settled into one in a back corner by a charming young waiter who predictably seemed to melt when Adam flashed him a smile. Tommy relaxed a little then, reminded that this was the effect Adam had on everyone and just because he had spent months together with Adam he couldn't be expected to have developed immunity to Adam's allure.

As happy as Tommy was that they had the privacy of a booth, he shifted uncomfortably once he opens the menu and sees the prices. He was about to protest to Adam, but thought better of it and decided to just find something cheap-ish to order. By the time the enthralled waiter came back to take their orders he had settled on a pasta dish that was moderately priced but didn't make it as obvious as ordering a salad. Which is why he was surprized when he didn't get further than 'I'll just have a' before Adam interrupted him and politely sent the waiter away claiming that they needed more time to decide.

"Don't order something cheap, I wanna treat you," Adam said impatiently, a slight (and cute, Tommy realized shamefully - such a girly thing to think) whine to the end of the sentence, as soon as the waiter was out of sight.

"I wasn't gonna!" Tommy protested, though he could feel the heat rising in his cheeks which he was sure didn't convince Adam that he was telling the truth, "I was gonna have a-"

Again, Adam interrupted him, with an infuriatingly knowing smirk. "If you weren't, then why did you say you were _just_ having it?"

Tommy huffed in frustration, knowing how stubborn Adam is and that Adam just saw straight fucking through him and there was no point in arguing further. He opened his menu again and skimmed the pages, actually paying attention to the dishes this time but still glancing at the prices with one eye.

"Seriously, stop looking at the prices," Adam said, his hand suddenly appearing in front of Tommy's menu, covering the right side of the page.

Tommy raised his eyes, looking at Adam from over the top of the menu (and Adam's arm), pouting at him. Adam chuckled, removing his hand from the menu, flicking his finger over the top of Tommy's nose before he drew his hand back.

"You're cute when you're annoyed, you know," Adam said with a smile that was blatantly flirtatious, and Tommy felt his cheeks go hot again, raising his menu in an attempt to hide it. Which apparently wasn't very successful because Adam promptly told him that he's also cute when he's blushing, which of course made him blush even more, much to Adam's amusement. And the waiter's, who of course had to return at that exact moment, although he tried to hide it whereas Adam was still grinning in that damn annoying (but still quite adorable) way.

Dinner went well after that, Tommy had a steak which was perfect and the death-by-chocolate he had for the dessert nearly did fucking kill him. And Adam too, when Tommy decided to make an appreciate sound that was almost a moan, swirling his tongue around the spoon, watching Adam's eyes go a shade darker as they locked on his own. Yes, Tommy's nerves were definitely a distant memory now, and he was definitely very very happy that they still had this blissful rare treat of total privacy.

The car ride back to the hotel seemed to take way more than 10 minutes for both of them, and neither seemed to be able to make much conversation this time. It wasn't until they were safe within the confines of the elevator that Adam spoke, trying to sound casual even though his voice wavered slightly.

"So, you wanna come back to my room for a bit? Watch a movie or something?"

"How fucking naive do you think I am man?" Tommy replied, smiling up at Adam, who shifted uncomfortably with a little chuckle. Tommy couldn't help but feel a little glee at the fact that Adam seemed nervous because, well, this is _Adam_ and Adam is pretty much never embarrassed about anything.

Tommy took the fact that Adam didn't protest his innocence to mean that Adam seriously wasn't planning on them getting through a movie. And suddenly the butterflies or bees or whatever the hell they are were back full force, but he still put on his brave face and told Adam that he would love to come back to his room. It _was_ Adam after all, and he would be lying if he tried to pretend that he had never fantasized about this exact thing. Besides, Adam _had_ promised him a blowjob if he allowed himself to be courted like a fucking woman, and he told Adam as much. Adam winked in response, telling him he could have so much more than a blowjob, and Tommy suddenly felt like some damn groupie with stars in his fucking eyes as he gazes up at Adam.

By the time they were settled on Adam's bed and he had a beer in his hand, Tommy started feeling less pathetic again. Adam did put on a movie, and he focused on it instead of Tommy, giving Tommy room to breathe and sneak little glances at Adam's profile. By the time he had finished his beer he was feeling much braver, putting his empty can down on the floor he closed the distance between himself and Adam. Cuddling into Adam's side, he sighed happily as Adam's arm promptly curled around his body.

They just sat like that for a while. Adam seemed to still be actually watching the movie, Tommy wasn't even sure what movie it was, most of his attention focused on Adam. rested his head on Adam's chest, enjoying how warm it was against his cheek and the soothing motion of each deep breath. When Adam moved his hand to run his fingers trough Tommy's hair, Tommy sighed contently, looking up at Adam to find Adam smiling down at him.

This time, Adam didn't pull away when Tommy reached up and touched their lips together. It started of softly, gentler than any kiss they had shared before, letting probing tongues explore properly for the first time ever. When Tommy grew bolder, deepening the kiss and tasting the tequila Adam had just knocked back, Adam's arm promptly tightened around him, drawing him closer.

The kiss gradually grew more heated, Tommy's arms wrapping around Adam, Adam's free hand settling at the back of Tommy's neck in a familiar gesture. When they had to stop for air it changed into light pecks and playful nipping, until Tommy groaned quietly and unconsciously grinded his hips into Adam. He chuckled nervously, a thrill running up his spine as he pulled away a little, meeting Adam's eyes and receiving one of those ever famous smiles.

"Don't worry baby, I am gonna take good care of you..."

Tommy wanted to return a snarky remark about how that sounded like a line out of some cheesy soft porn, but as Adam pulled him closer again and started nipping at his neck all that came out of his mouth was a breathy "Oh Adam..."

Adam lapped at Tommy's pulse, finding the spot just below his ear that made his breath hitch, sucking a small bruise into the skin, marking, claiming it as his own, drawing a whimper out of Tommy.

Tommy's head was already swimming when Adam slid him out of his lap, and he fumbled unsuccessfully to help as Adam pulled on his shirt, but he couldn't even find it in himself to feel the least bit embarrassed at this stage. Adam pushed him back on the bed, quickly getting his own shirt off before working Tommy belt open, then his fly, sliding his pants off, laughing slightly as they got caught in the shoes he had somehow forgotten about. Tommy fancied that he caught a slight blush on Adam's cheeks before Adam turned around to remove the offending shoes, but by the time Adam had him naked and turned back around it was gone.

Tommy tensed a little as Adam crawled back up and laid down on top of him, jolted back to reality by the way Adam's body completely covered his, hard and heavy and such a stark contrast to the feminine curves he was used to. But he liked it, relaxing again as he realized how safe it made him feel, arching up against Adam as Adam's lips caressed his chest.

Adam took his time, administering kisses across Tommy's skin, igniting every little spot he touched. By the time he made it to Tommy's bellybutton Tommy was shamelessly pushing up against him, trying to make him hurry up, making a protesting keening noise when Adam's hand splayed on his hip, holding him down on the bed.

"Patience baby, patience," Adam murmured softly against Tommy's skin, whining slightly as one of Tommy's hands tangled in his hair, pushing, pulling, paying no heed to Adam's words.

Adam ignored the tugging on his hair, continuing to plant kisses across Tommy's stomach, down, down, finally reaching the place Tommy was waiting for. But with a naughty glint in his eyes, which went unnoticed by Tommy who's eyes were closed now, he simply blew hot air over the base of Tommy's cock before letting his lips and tongue continue their exploring on the inside of Tommy's thigh.

Tommy's eyes flew open as Adam sucked a mark into the tender flesh, hand's pulling Adam's hair hard enough for Adam to wince. "Fuck Adam! Just fucking..."

Adam chuckled, one hand stroking Tommy's thigh, deciding that he had probably teased poor Tommy enough. He continue stroking his thigh as he trailed a few kisses along Tommy's shaft, each touch dragging a whimper out of Tommy, until he finally reached the head, licking it quickly before he sucked it into his mouth. Tommy moaned, trying to thrust into Adam's mouth, but Adam had predicted it and had his hand back on Tommy's hip, pushing him down into the mattress.

It was so fucking good, that was the only thought that registered in Tommy's mind as Adam's lips and tongue worked him. Damn he had fantasized about it so many times in the past few months, dreamed about it, but reality was definitely better. Yeah, Tommy had had some pretty fucking amazing blowjobs before, but this was different, this wasn't some fumbling girl, this was his dick being sucked by someone who obviously knew exactly what felt good. And fuck him it soon had him reduced to a whimpering mess, unable to form any coherent words or thoughts until he was right on the edge, pulling harshly at Adam's hair to get him to stop.

"No, no, Adam! Fuck. I'm. Fuck. Stop!"

Adam pulled away, looking up at Tommy with questioning lust-darkened eyes. "What?"

Tommy blinked down at him, catching his breath for a moment before he spoke. "I want. I want you to fuck me."

Adam caressed Tommy's hip where his hand was still resting. "You sure? I was thinking you could do me. If you want."

Tommy took a deep breath, now that Adam's mouth wasn't distracting him he felt less sure, but he was gonna suck it up. He wanted it, damn he wanted it, and he seriously wasn't a fucking girl.

"Yeah I'm sure." He was happy his voice was still hoarse enough to cover the quiver in it.

Adam was silent for a moment, eyes locked on Tommy's, almost as if he was searching for something. Then he smiled, nodded, and with a quirky 'alright' he moved to root in the nightstand for a moment before covering Tommy again, kissing him gently. Sensing Tommy's nerves, he took his time, kissing another trail down Tommy's chest, touching, teasing, soothing as he went. By the time he was sitting nestled between Tommy's legs, Tommy was arching his back again, spreading his legs wider, urging him on.

Tommy was fine as the first finger slid into him, rather easily thanks to Adam's generosity with the lube. It wasn't as if he hadn't let girls finger him before, he was rather open minded sexually after all, and even if Adam's fingers were larger it wasn't until the knuckle of the third one worked its way in that he winced, gripping the sheets as his muscles contracted around Adam's fingers.

"It's alright, just breathe honey," Adam soothed, stilling his hand, using the other one to massage one of Tommy's thighs.

Tommy let out a few sharp breaths, relaxing again, accommodating Adam's fingers as he was stretched. He felt so full, so very full, and tried not to think about the fact that Adam's dick would be even bigger. It was nothing to worry about. He trusted Adam. Adam would be gentle with him, right?

That's what he told himself as Adam's body covered his again. "Is it alright like this?" Adam asked softly, kissing the side of Tommy's mouth.

Tommy nodded, feeling like a fucking virgin again, not because he was giggly and nervous (at least one of which he actually was), but because he felt so Goddamn out of his depth all of a sudden. Adam noticed, kissing him, deeping it until Tommy's body melted into his so that Tommy barely even noticed when he pushed in the first little bit.

"Oh fuck!" Tommy breathed, his head rolling to the side and breaking their kiss as he felt the pain, like a sting or burn, just on the wrong side of pleasurable.

Adam stopped, kissing Tommy's cheek, his chin, down to his neck, feeling Tommy's quick pulse against his lips. Working in slowly, patiently, propping himself up on his left elbow, his right hand finding Tommy's, fingers entwining.

"Fuck Adam..." Tommy looked up at him again, eyes locking as Adam slid in the last bit.

"Mmmmm..." Adam responded, not much more than a sigh as he focused on staying still with Tommy so hot and tight around him.

As Tommy arched up towards Adam, urging Adam to start slow, careful thrusts, he thought that he could sort of understand why women generally put so much fucking meaning in sex. It was different somehow, to be the person on the receiving end, having someone inside you, instead of just being the one to stick your dick in. At least he guessed that's what it was, because he felt closer to Adam than he had to any girl. And despite what current circumstances might make it look like, there was no way he was that fucking gay for Adam.

The discomfort eased to the point where it was just on the right side of painful, not quite comfortable but close enough that he started thrusting back against Adam. The pace picked up and he couldn't really form any coherent thoughts again, specially not when Adam untangled his hand from Tommy's and reached between them to stroke him instead. He clawed at Adam's back, arching up into him, whimpering and moaning and possibly even begging until he finally found release. Adam wasn't far behind, thrusting a few last times, falling heavily on top of Tommy as the orgasm rolled over him.

It took a few moments before they recovered enough for Adam to roll off Tommy, fumbling to get the condom off, managing to actually hit the bin when he threw it in that direction. He found a tissue and cleaned himself off a bit, not hitting the bin this time but not really giving a shit, turning back to Tommy instead. Tommy had rolled onto his side too, opening his eyes as Adam stroked his cheek.

"Wow," Tommy said smiling, almost shyly, up at Adam.

"Yeah," Adam replied, looking at his shoulder and wincing at the red marks there, "you really are a fucking kitty, aren't you?"

Tommy blushed but tried to laugh it off, "I guess so, sorry man."

"S'ok. I like having your marks on me." Adam winked, pulling the comforter up from the foot of the bed. "You staying here tonight?"

"Can't fucking move," Tommy stretched a little, rolling closer to Adam when Adam laid down next to him. He didn't want to move either, but yeah, he wasn't about to admit that just yet.

Tommy had no problems falling asleep that night. And he slept peacefully, snuggling even closer to Adam in his sleep than he let himself do when he was awake.


End file.
